gekko_ninja

Eighteen going on twelve

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 11:41:33 GMT

I made an extremely important discovery about myself this morning. While laying awake, staring at the ceiling I got to thinking about myself. I don't know how I had ended up there, since I had someone else entirely on my mind only seconds before. <Grins> But... I'm glad my train of thought did have a total change of course. For whatever reason I went into a little process of self-analysis. I realized that, despite my age... I'm still a little kid.

When I got excited about something I just kept yammering away until someone told me to shut up and go somewhere. Like a kid. On the occasions I was actually happy I was extremely mobile and talkative. Much like a kid. The very few times that I had wanted to cry, I repressed them. But I wanted so badly just to cling to somebody and bawl my eyes outs. Like a kid again. I've been told very often that I am good with kids. Not because I particularly like them, but because I'm so like them. Then my thoughts drifted back to my special somebody once more. The way I clung to him, the way he made me feel, so giddy and happy.... A long time ago I locked up my emotions and pretty much smelted the key into an iron ball so I could play with it. But years later, in early March, I met somebody who slowly broke the lock. I haven't truly expressed myself since I was twelve years old. And when I'm talking to him I feel like a child again. When I imagine us together I don't see me, but who I was years ago. I don't see him as a lover so much as the brother or father I had always wanted. And it seems so much more right than it should. I guess that, since I didn't really let my emotions develop, expressing myself through some form or fashion, they just went into a stasis. And when they finally woke up, they just picked up where they left off at twelve. I don't know if this is unfortunate or not, but I don't think my emotions are capable of developing any further now. Sure I'm smart, sure I'm mature, but... my emotions being stuck as they were for so long, I may have the emotional capabilities of a child for the rest of my life.

I will say honestly and openly; I was crying when I figured all this out. Happy tears, though, so don't get worried.

The past five months

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 04:41:41 GMT

It's been quite some time since August 30th (My last post here). Not much has been going on, but what has happened... most of it's kind of depressing....

To start things off I got into a bit of a fight with my mom. She accused me of hating her and that I had been disrespecting her for a long time. She went on yelling at me for a while and eventually ended up hitting me. I don't even know what sent her off. She just came into my room pissed. The week before this, though, I had been in an argument with her because I don't like her boyfriend. She said that I was judging him before I got to know him, even though I know plenty about him already. Mom told me he'd been in prison for the last 14 years for gang affiliation and murder and will be there for a little while longer, getting out sometime in mid-summer. She also told me she met him at her old power plant job 11 years ago. I know she's lieing about something, so I have no idea how she ever met up with him. His friends, also in-mates, constantly tell him my mom's cheating on him and that she's been whoring herself out to random people, even though they know nothing about her. He believes them over her every time, which has left my mom in her room and crying on more than one occasion. She's been on the brink of suicide because of him. Did I mention he's in prison? I'm pretty sure I know enough about him to judge him without getting on a first-name basis. I'm also sure that this argument is what our fight stemmed from. But looking back on all that I've been through with her, I'm seeing more bad than good. And the good? We laughed together sometimes, we occasionally saw a movie.... I can do that stuff with my friends. Ever since she found out I was gay, by going through my IM files might I add -but it's understandable that she was suspicious of something since I freaked out whenever someone stood by the computer too long-, she's been treating me a lot less like a person....

My oldest brother, Steven. You remember him from the last post, right? He went to prison a while back because he got caught driving the truck mom reported stolen! 3 years! On top of that there was pot confiscated from the vehicle when the police searched it. An extra 5 years! In addition pawn tickets were found of other items from our house that were reported stolen. Two DS Lite, a shotgun, my laptop that I got for Christmas, and several other items. An extra couple of years added to that! Won't be seeing that thieving #$&tard for a while, huh? But wait! What's this? HE STOPPED BY FOR A #$&^ING VISIT TODAY. Oh joy! W.T.F. I know our city's police force is incompetent but good god he was actually in the police car and made it to prison how did he get out?! During his visit, while I was at the computer, I noticed him heading to my room. I got up to check on him and I found him trying to unplug my SNES. He said that he was going to take it to another room so he could play it. He left shortly afterward. I'm thinking he was planning something else. I checked my room again later and noticed my box of games, a little chest with a small clasp to keep it shut. I keep all my video games and cards in there. Clasp was undone and everything was gone through. I don't know what all is missing yet, but all my games are still there.

And finally... someone died just a few days ago. I didn't know anything was going on until I heard a little girl crying and screaming about how it wasn't fair, and I looked outside to see an ambulance and two police cars. She couldn't have been any older than thirty-two and she had two kids, neither of them older than thirteen. She wasn't someone close to me, one of my friends.... Heck, I had never even seen her before or knew she existed. But she was just across the street when she died. I had never been involved with any of them, I don't know if the kids are going to be alright. I don't know how she died and probably will never know. But it doesn't really matter how someone dies, does it? All it takes is for someone to die and you have that stupid, selfish "That could have been me" moment where you look all agonized and depressed but the only thing going through your head is "I'm glad I'm alright".... I can honestly say I hate myself for going through that same thing....

But because it happened I've made a few adjustments to how I look at life. Despite how time seems to drag by when you aren't doing anything and it feels like you have all of eternity to do whatever it is you're supposed to do, you don't have very long to live. Even if you're destined to die of old age you don't have time to waste doing nothing. If you're going to do something then do it well. And make the best of it, too. Second; if there's someone you care about make sure they know how you feel. I think it would be the worst thing ever if I were to leave this world without telling the one I love how I felt about him face to face.... And lastly, the past doesn't really matter. Anything could have happened in the past but you choose how you live now and how you will continue to live. I don't exactly like the way my life has gone so far, but with the people I've got and care about and the ones who care about me, I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I for one am going to make the best of what I've got and will make the best of anything that happens from here on out. You never know when something will happen.

Like I said, kind of depressing.... But I'm done for now. Might make a new post sometime in the next couple of months. Hopefully with better tidings than what I've reported so far.

One after another, after another, after another....

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 14:10:27 GMT

A lot has happened within the last two weeks. (According to my mom it's been two weeks. It feels more like two months....) To start it off, the computer crashed. Quite a problem for me for several reasons. Almost every single one of my friends is online and I have no way of contacting them without the computer, so I got kinda depressed over that. School recently started up for me, (On the 25th, actually) and already I've got essays due. Without the computer, those will never be done in time. I've got horrible hand-writing and am a slow writer.... Then there's the games. Since I sold most of my games to buy a friend a birthday present, all I've got left is my SNES, a GameBoy color, and a GBA SP, and those get old after a while.

Recently after the computer crashed, I recieved a letter (It's from People to People or something....) inviting me to some exchange program. If I accept (and my aunt feels like paying for the expenses, since she's rich and my mom couldn't afford it by herself) I'll be going to Ireland, Wales, France, Belgium, and the Netherlands over a course of 19 days next summer. Problem is, I don't know WHICH 19 days, and I had something else entirely planned for summer of next year....

Two of my brother David's friends were actually living here for a while. Without consent from mom, they just showed up with all their stuff because David said 'Oh, yeah, you can stay!' They're pot-heads, drunkards, and thieves. They stole a bunch of copper wire from the industry literally right next door, and when they went to sell it, they used my brother Justin's license plate and my mom's SS number.... That could have easily thrown both my mother and brother into prison. When one of them got caught by the police, he tried blaming it on David, who had nothing to do with it and wasn't even there when it was being sold. The other 'friend', when he started giving David pot, was kicked out of the house. But not before he broke a few of our things and stole some more. My 50 year old sake set was smashed, among other things, my mom's and Justin's DS were both stolen. My mom's lockbox, containing check books, cell phones, their batteries and SIM cards, and upwards of $400 was all stolen. So was my mom's iPod and its charger, and a crapload of DVDs.

Not long before that, my oldest brother, Steven, showed up. With his girlfriend. And her five children. All under the age of 11, except one who was 14. Almost immediately after arriving, they locked themselves into one of the rooms and started having sex. I could actually hear them over the music I was playing through the speakers. And so could the children. Then the 14 year old, a little whore in my opinion, tries making a move on one of David's friends that was staying there. When he turns her down, she sets her sights on me (Of all the people in the world, why me...?). I'm sitting at the computer, doing my regular stuff, when she asks if it's ok for her to sit in my lap. In a state of shock, I just stare at her while my brain is going 'What the hell...?' and my head accidentally kinda tilts forward. She took that as a yes. She plops down on my lap. And she wasn't a skinny girl, mind you. Not fat, but definitely not skinny. She notices my sister, Allia, nearby and motions for her to come over. She whispers to her a bit and my sis says "I dunno." Girl whispers something else and Allia rolls her eyes and walks away. After the girl left and a slight interrogation of my sister later, I found out the girl was asking if I was single, and if Allia could find out for her. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Laugh, because I'm gay and she wants me, and cry because... good god, she wants me, nothing more to it.... After all this blows over, Steven wakes mom up at 2:00 am, asking if he could use the truck. (Just to make things easier for you to understand the later part, he was always asking for the truck. In fact, the only reason he came to visit was so he could steal the truck. Mom just made it easier for him.) Mom got pissed at him, had an hour long yelling contest, then finally threw the keys at him, told him to 'take the truck and get the fuck off my property, I never want to see your face again'. He obliged with little to no argument, and even took the time to get his stuff out of the house. He was pretending to be upset, but I think I saw him smiling when he was pulling out of the driveway. And, true to his word, we haven't seen him again yet. Not even a call to apologise.

Then, of course, school started. I'm in two AP (Advanced Placement) classes. Both of which could be described as either easy or hard. It changes every once in a while. So far, my teachers are all awesome. What I have a problem with is the students. Some of them shouldn't be in those classes.... One of them actually said 'Wait, Biology is a science class, right? Cus if it's not, I'm changing classes.' And then half my class isn't interested in learning and the other half... well, you saw an example of the other half.... So there's complaints galore about work of any kind.

I'm just gonna stop for now. Even I'm tired of reading all that crap. Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'll try to keep those down to a minimum, but if I've got anything to say on here, it's either really good or really bad news.